If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
