i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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