Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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