u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
