wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
