Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
