They should really pass out barf bags in church
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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