Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
