i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
