He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
