Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
its not stalking. its research.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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