i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
