He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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