Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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