my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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