When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
