i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
