She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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