I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
