So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
