I'd wear matching sweaters with you
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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