I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
