dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
