A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
