shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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