Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
