i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i will never coherently bang her
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
