My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So vagazzling was a success
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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