New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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