is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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