She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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