the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
