Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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