why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
