If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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