well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
