In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
