I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
