I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
