You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
