im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
