I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
