my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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