We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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