my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
