whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I need to stop coming to work sober
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
