John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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