dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
