i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Alive.
So much puke
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
