so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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