everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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